f Notes from the Underground: 6/20/10 - 6/27/10
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Saturday, June 26, 2010

ab so lain?

(Should) Write in a rhythm: short sentences small words; long sentences big words :-P

This is not a confession. You'll see I've no intention of coming to terms with my past, vile and depraved or pious as it maybe. I do not seek atonement. Much has been said by many a revered minds about one's past, their pasts probably. Presently, I believe, whatever I say about pasts very well has already been said and has been said more eloquently. But this is not reason enough to stop short of anything; just because something has been done should not be a reason to not do it again. About three and a quarter centuries back this would've been reason enough but now our lives are positively mere conventions and set of rituals. We must not fool ourselves with terms like 'innovation' or 'unconventional' – innovation since long has become a custom and being unconventional is, as we know, a popular trend.

          Admitting to the fact that there are downsides of a life lived recklessly will be redundant but I do admit it. I admit, only to add that there are downsides to a cautious life too. The paths you chose in yesterday are equally loathsome as the ones you did not choose. It does, on many counts, mean that whatever you are doing presently is of little or no value. But this is no way to live a life. Any life! How infinitely worthless you think your life is.

          Something universal about our say 'collective experience' suggests that we learn of all possible human emotions in the first two years of our lives. Afterwards, we mostly learn demonic ones. Without going into a debate, I reckon if you have lived to twenty you have most certainly come across hopelessness. There are times when there is no light at the end of your tunnel. There are times when you wish for a light at the end of your tunnel, even if it is a train speeding ahead to crush you. Such despair; when there is no hope of success, or even comfort, is not unique. When you are humiliated by just being etc – such hopelessness is not singular to my experience.

          Life in perfect ebb and flow is geared towards the future. We live our lives for our tomorrow, then for the day after where our children will be. Our vision is clouded by fantasies and fears alike. Hopes and dreams are a natural part of it; perhaps it is because of the biological clock ticking towards our definite end. End stands for completion. We are not required to think about the future or plan for it, life will be complete without our planning anything at all. Life happens, most of it, while we are making plans for it. Nevertheless, we make plans or in the least fantasize about future with hope. Even pessimists anticipate the future. It is a part our design. It is a part of our cosmic design. That same cosmic design which ensures that, most if not all of, our dreams will be shattered, our hopes will remain hopes and die, our fantasies will be crushed and hopelessness will meet us halfway to our completion.

          It is exactly because of this design we need to have a past. Therefore, making it imperative to act in the present to shape our past – our past weighs more than the future. Future is made of nothing but hope hence useless when we are hopeless. That is when we need our pasts, our pasts which are far more tangible and far more richer than hopes and fantasies. We should not dwell in the past, or sulk over it, or glorify at its expense. But what we are going to need is a past which can offer us refuge when fantasies of future have turned their back. We must work for a past. A past which can make us smile, even as we feel disgusted by our being and humiliated at our existence. Such a smile can go a long way. If you can't make a past which you can cherish in times of absolute nothingness; at least leave it as a hideout – as a refuge when fantasies of future have turned their back.